02/26/07

1. The Cheaters

Ah, the guys who use the ‘Pause Cheat’ and have records of 150 wins, 0 ties and 1 loss (that happened before they figured out the cheat). There really isn’t much to say about these guys as you can only imagine how bored they must be to get their jollies from pausing a game and waiting for someone else to quit. Do they realize you don’t actually get anything tangible for being a ‘Top Rated’ Winning Eleven player? Probably not. These guys almost certainly live in their mom’s basement, downloading Hentai porn while racking up yet another 3-0 ‘win’ in Winning Eleven. You go, Girl!

2. The Voyeurs

These are the guys that just love to watch replays of their goals…over…and over… And of course, rarely are these goals any good – they’re usually tap-ins or cut-backs (see 4-3-3) and yet they not only make you watch the default instant replay THREE TIMES they also take the time to manually control the replay, doing some on-the-fly Spielburg-esque directing in the process. By the end of it all, 3 minutes have passed and you’re half asleep. I can’t help but think these are the kind of guys that routinely masturbate in front of a mirror;

3. The Shameless

You’ve been there before, tired of playing the same 8 teams, you say to your opponent on the team select screen;

“Hey, let’s pick crap teams, I’ll be Charlton”

You select Charlton Athletic, he’s ominously silent, his menu screen switches to Serie A, he lingers over Sienna, moves to Torino….and then he picks Inter.

Charlton Athletic vs. Inter-fucking-Milan

These are also the same guys who, after outrunning Chris Perry with Adriano and slamming the ball past the man, the myth, the legend, Dean Kiely will then talk smack like they actually accomplished something of note.

4. 4-3-3 And No Skill

They pick either Chelsea, Inter or Barcelona. They play with 3 forwards spread out and they never make more than 3 consecutive passes. Their game plan consists of winning the ball, make through-pass out to the wing, rush into the box with Messi (dragging 7 defenders on his back) or Ronaldhino (dragging 7 defenders and the team bus), cut the ball back to Eto’o and attempt a one-timer on goal. Rinse and repeat. This is ALL they do. Minimal skill involved, it’s like playing NHL 98 and repeating one timers.

Fortunately, you can see the shock and horror in their play when you use a 3-5-2 and set the two wing-backs to man mark their two wingers. Now, forced to actually *gasp* pass the ball around they’re useless. It’s at this point in time they usually implement the Pause Cheat.

God bless ‘em.

5. Halo Players

If you’ve played Halo 2 over Xbox Live you’ll be familiar with the scholarly dialogue that occurs during the game;

Yes, nothing like pimply-faced young boys swearing and spouting off homophobic, and often racist, remarks to utter strangers over the internet. Children destined to by high-achievers for sure.

Anyway, by some cosmic stroke of luck a small portion of these little pukes bought Winning Eleven and are an absolute joy to play. Along with incessantly swearing at you, they also spend a good portion of their time swearing at the “stupid game” because….well….they’re crap at it. Every one I’ve played has picked Manchester United (probably because it’s the only team they know…..still to discover Inter) and absolutely lose it when you start playing possession football. For someone who isn’t very good at Halo 2, this is wonderful revenge;

”no kid….fuck YOU!” [cue evil laugh]

Lavan Chandran

26/02/2007

02/26/07

1. The Cheaters

Ah, the guys who use the ‘Pause Cheat’ and have records of 150 wins, 0 ties and 1 loss (that happened before they figured out the cheat). There really isn’t much to say about these guys as you can only imagine how bored they must be to get their jollies from pausing a game and waiting for someone else to quit. Do they realize you don’t actually get anything tangible for being a ‘Top Rated’ Winning Eleven player? Probably not. These guys almost certainly live in their mom’s basement, downloading Hentai porn while racking up yet another 3-0 ‘win’ in Winning Eleven. You go, Girl!

2. The Voyeurs

These are the guys that just love to watch replays of their goals…over…and over… And of course, rarely are these goals any good – they’re usually tap-ins or cut-backs (see 4-3-3) and yet they not only make you watch the default instant replay THREE TIMES they also take the time to manually control the replay, doing some on-the-fly Spielburg-esque directing in the process. By the end of it all, 3 minutes have passed and you’re half asleep. I can’t help but think these are the kind of guys that routinely masturbate in front of a mirror;

3. The Shameless

You’ve been there before, tired of playing the same 8 teams, you say to your opponent on the team select screen;

“Hey, let’s pick crap teams, I’ll be Charlton”

You select Charlton Athletic, he’s ominously silent, his menu screen switches to Serie A, he lingers over Sienna, moves to Torino….and then he picks Inter.

Charlton Athletic vs. Inter-fucking-Milan

These are also the same guys who, after outrunning Chris Perry with Adriano and slamming the ball past the man, the myth, the legend, Dean Kiely will then talk smack like they actually accomplished something of note.

4. 4-3-3 And No Skill

They pick either Chelsea, Inter or Barcelona. They play with 3 forwards spread out and they never make more than 3 consecutive passes. Their game plan consists of winning the ball, make through-pass out to the wing, rush into the box with Messi (dragging 7 defenders on his back) or Ronaldhino (dragging 7 defenders and the team bus), cut the ball back to Eto’o and attempt a one-timer on goal. Rinse and repeat. This is ALL they do. Minimal skill involved, it’s like playing NHL 98 and repeating one timers.

Fortunately, you can see the shock and horror in their play when you use a 3-5-2 and set the two wing-backs to man mark their two wingers. Now, forced to actually *gasp* pass the ball around they’re useless. It’s at this point in time they usually implement the Pause Cheat.

God bless ‘em.

5. Halo Players

If you’ve played Halo 2 over Xbox Live you’ll be familiar with the scholarly dialogue that occurs during the game;

Yes, nothing like pimply-faced young boys swearing and spouting off homophobic, and often racist, remarks to utter strangers over the internet. Children destined to by high-achievers for sure.

Anyway, by some cosmic stroke of luck a small portion of these little pukes bought Winning Eleven and are an absolute joy to play. Along with incessantly swearing at you, they also spend a good portion of their time swearing at the “stupid game” because….well….they’re crap at it. Every one I’ve played has picked Manchester United (probably because it’s the only team they know…..still to discover Inter) and absolutely lose it when you start playing possession football. For someone who isn’t very good at Halo 2, this is wonderful revenge;

”no kid….fuck YOU!” [cue evil laugh]

Lavan Chandran

26/02/2007